I shed some tears two mornings ago, at work no less, and I was blessed enough to have my colleague (the one who I affectionately see as a drill sergeant) there to help me through it. (Incidentally, I’m quite lucky that I know several colleagues who would have been there for me.)
Why was I crying? Maybe it was the Women Food and God book that is challenging me to look at the why of overeating. That book has some interesting passages to ponder. Like:
Sometimes people will say, “But I just like the taste of food. In fact, I love the taste! Why can’t it be that simple? I overeat because I like food.”
When you like something, you pay attention to it. When you like something—love something—you take time with it. You want to be present for every second of the rapture.
Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can’t think of anything but how full you are. That’s not love; that’s suffering.
When it comes to sweets, I overeat, definitely past the point where I am satisfied. I have this need to finish the bag of candy or a row of cookies, and I am not good at stopping when I’m full because I never ask myself if I’m full when I’m eating. If there is something tasty before me, I feel the need to finish it.
All of that to say that I’ve been thinking about what I may be trying to avoid by losing myself in food. There may not be a deep underlying reason that has led to this, and I have to be careful not to focus so much on figuring things out that I never get to the part of the book where I put the core principles into action. I’m a fan of mindless eating. Mindless eating is not so good. Thinking about all of this is bringing up insecurities, some which may be related to overeating and some which may not be. Whatever the case, looking at insecurities is never pleasant.
But to be honest I don’t think that’s what made me teary, though it may another day.
There are some family issues that are weighing on my mind, and I’ve always been a rabid worrier when it comes to my family. Worrying does nothing but age me and lead to unpleasant physical manifestations, so I’m trying to stop worrying. This is where being a Christian, albeit one who uses God as a spare tire (call on him when I’m stranded) rather than a steering wheel (use regularly to guide the way), helps. Prayer, or for those who don’t believe in God, meditation, is really a good way to ground yourself when dealing with situations you can’t control. If I say a quick word of prayer it definitely gives me some peace, but since I don’t have a lot of faith, it’s easy for me to slide back into my old ways. So, regular prayer is going to be back on my to do list (it never left; it just wasn’t getting done).
Howver, it was probably the article I read on the bus on the way to work, the one that mentioned an artist’s blindness as a result of complications with diabetes that upset me. My mom is diabetic and everything from ads on tv about the disease to articles that casually throw in something like the above detail about the artist, always upset me. Did you hear of that computer programmer who designed something that would block Jus.tin Be.iber references from your computer screen? I want the same for diabetes (though knowing what is being blocked probably wouldn’t help; I want it to just remove the presence of the word). Again, I can’t control my mom’s condition; I can only help her with the part that I can control: help around the house so that she has more time and energy for exercise, or join her for exercise (a great suggestion from my colleague and from other friends who have heard my woes and seen me cry over this situation).
I’ve also been wanting to spend more QUALITY time with my parents. When I go over, it’s not at a planned time or day, so although they are usually there, sometimes they are not, or they have other things to attend to. I’d like to spend actual time with them, doing something they like and really relishing the time we have together. My colleague suggested setting a date for Sundays where I go over and help my mom cook meals for the week or for the next few days. I’m not a fan of the kitchen but since this isn’t about me, I think it’s a great idea, one I know my mom would appreciate.
I have also been lax at having siblings (and people generally) over. That has to change, even if it means I have to stop letting my dishes pile up before washing them, and even if it means I have to get my paper clutter under control. I want to socialize chez moi!
(Quick update on the exercising: I got back on that wagon on May 30, a Saturday (14 days later), skipped the Monday and Tuesday but managed to do it Wednesday and Thursday. I was really tempted to do it yesterday but I feeling very sore. I will do it today though. I also walked twice during the week!)
